She flipped open the notebook, pen flying across the pages. Thoughts flowed through her head far too quickly for her to write them all down, but she caught ones here and there, following them down their trails and trying to let her emotions flow out of her like the ink flowed from the pen she wrote with.
There was nothing she could hide from her journal, but at the same time the words stared back up at her in her neat cursive hand, damning her for her feelings, for her thoughts.
I can’t do this easily.
She shook her head, letting the journal fall onto her bed. But still the words gleamed in the lamplight.
No. not everything. But how can I find my own when he’s all I’ve got in my sights? He blinds me.
She shuddered, and leaned forward, letting herself read over the fractured thoughts she had blurted from mind to paper.
I promised myself I wouldn’t fall. And I haven’t. But I do put him ahead of most other people. Does that just mean that I haven’t found who I’m looking for yet? Will I lose my chance at happiness because I’m blinded by the glaring light that is-
Frustration flared at herself, and she sat up, slamming the notebook shut and glaring at it.
It would never let her be. The feelings and thoughts made her want to write, to get it out. Silently, she hoped nobody would ever read her ramblings. They were so fractured, so out of context. She never wanted them to be read by anyone unless she had time to take them, sort through them all, and put them into order, made them make sense.
With a grumble, she moved from the bed, standing and staring out the window. Everything she wanted was something she couldn’t have. At least for now.