Monday, January 23, 2012


 A friend asked me the other day, while we spoke of life and future plans, what it was that I wanted. I realized that at the time, though we spoke of possibilities of relationships and where they would go, that it is much easier for me to say what I don't want. While this makes a good process of elimination, it doesn't really bode well for a constant thought stream. Thinking in the negative never is good for longer than a short while, as you figure out how to think of whatever it is in the positive.

But it had me thinking this morning, and I not only found some of what I wanted in my relationship, but in life. I realized that my little bit of access to the world through the web, while it sets me apart from some people, and gives me a wider range, does not make me be heard. No, in order to do that, one must be able to gather a large base of friends, and figure out how to spread the word. Right now, I'm a bit like this picture to the left. A small flame, bright in the dark, but when surrounded by other flames the same size, I seem just another dim one.

 I realized that part of why I want so strongly to be an author, is because I want to change the world. I want to be heard, to spread my words, which could be so very powerful, around the world, and to change people's life with the content in the stories I have bursting inside of me. I want to bring light and color to a dull world where people rush about their daily lives without ever thinking of how beautiful the world around them is. I want to bring life to the imaginations of adults, young and old, and children who are still developing a sense of where they want to be.

I want to share myself with the world, to be seen and have people wonder where the fantastical tales in my head come from. I want to grow brighter, to inspire some young, future author into writing because they connected with the same passion for the written word as I have. I want to bring people out of the drab darkness of a desk job and the dim street lights and into a world filled with brightness and love and imagination, wonder and joy, to show them to beauty of the world around them that so many cease to see after they reach adulthood.

And yes, I want to be admired. I will admit that I'm as vain as a young woman can be. But I don't want to be admired for my looks, or my voice or my eyes. I don't want to be up on a pedestal, followed by papparrazzi, and having everyone with an opinion voicing something about how I live, what I buy, what I wear. I want to be admired for my written word, for the way that I put a story together. I want to be able to captivate and audience with a story that will play like a movie in their heads, with characters that they can connect with and villains they can hate and love at the same time. I want to show the world how amazing a world can be if you just let yourself add a bit of spice. I want to make people remember that first hint of love, and the passion that comes flying when such is forbidden. I want to make adults remember how it was to be a teenager in love, and to bring others up to stand with me in a world filled with amazing sights such as they have never seen...simply because they have not dared to imagine... This is all I want, and more, because I want my light to illuminate a place in the darkness where people can remember what it's like to wonder how everything works in the world, and then find out! Life is so beautiful, and I want to share that with everyone I can possibly reach, to let them know that while we are here, we can live and make life so amazing that it'll never be the same.

I want to give to a young girl everything so many different authors provided for me when I was younger, a place to escape this world and into another that was not where I lived, where I could be anything I like, and I could be the heroine or the villain. I want to pay that forward, to another girl who, like me, buries herself in books to get out of the depression she finds in the real world. I want to be someone where people can cry when a character dies, because they've found a friend in that character that they never knew.

The world is vast... and I just want to shine a bright light everywhere for people to bask in warmth and share the wonder.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Dream: A Dance With A King

I had the oddest dream last night. It was one of the stranger ones that I've had for a long time, in fact. It was... a love triangle dream, to say the least. He was a king, and he was engaged, and he loved me, whereas the engagement was for state. His intended also was... I'm not sure whether in love or not, but also had feelings for me, which was strange.

Anyways, we were all at a ball (modern day, too, had cars parked outside) and I wasn't really dancing much, but they only danced once, and as I was walking through the crowd on the floor, she caught my arm, and the music changed into a tango. We danced for a while and then I was spun to a new partner, and danced again. Before long, the King (who remains nameless) caught my arm and pulled me into a dance, and the music changed to a salsa. The floor cleared for a while, and I found myself thinking about the fact that I was in love with a man who could never ever give me what I wanted from him. And as we danced, I realized something even more interesting. While I was supposedly in love with him, in this dream state, it was as I was detached, simply going through the motions, stringing him along.

The dance involved a lot of him chasing me, and while that was fun, my mind began to berate me on keeping his hopes up, for he had no chance with me, because besides being engaged, I didn't care...

I woke up as I walked out of the building at the end of the dance, and I remember him staring, reaching out for me... I'm not sure what to think on it..