Thursday, April 29, 2010

Meaning of Pleasure


See into my dreams, my love
look into my eyes
See into my heart and soul
look past all my lies

Push me up against a wall
shove against me with your body
Push me tight against it all
I want your warmth against me

See into my mind, my love
I want to feel your touch
See into my wants, love
I want you so much.

Skin to skin heating us up
we both know what to do
Lip to lip, hip to hip
God do I want you.

Look into my eyes, my love
see my secret dreams
Look into my heart and soul,
bring me together at the seams

Fingers tangled in hair
muscles straining under the clouds above
Warmth spreading through us
This is the meaning of pleasure, my love.

Not Good Enough

A day long fight ensued
it ended just twelve hours ago
and now, sitting silently here
I wonder what he thinks he knows...

"What I wanted to say
is about something meant to be..."
and when I asked him what,
he replied "You and me..."

I wanted to scream at his face,
rip his throat out and more
*I left that alone!* my mind screamed
* I just closed that door!*

But my reply was so calm
so emotionless and cold
"No, we're not..."
this is what I told.

But so much, he was convinced
he thought I needed to feel the same
He tried so hard, unknowing
of the tricks I know of that game.

Trying to make someone do
what they don't want to
doesn't work with one like me
through the guises I can see

"Stop pushing me"
"I'm not pushing you"
Gawd, I wanted to scream
but I knew what I had to do
The game of persuasion
typical strategies known
don't work so well
when naught but hot air is blown.

No logic, only emotion
that's all he had for a fight
I didn't even go there
he wasn't playing right...

No, it's not just a game
but that works to explain it well
I never know just what to think
besides "Just go to hell."

I'm doing good in school
I've got an amazing life
but my mind is so filled
so stressed, filled with strife.
I gave him more than I should've
just as I had with another
because I cared so much
just like one who turned into a brother...

Same pattern, same aura
same way of getting things
pain enters my voice with memory
as I open my mouth and sing.

And now, he's said the right thing
and I'm sitting there shaking my head
tears are still in my blue eyes
because my heart's weighted down with lead.

There's just too much that time cannot erase
The trust I had for him once isn't there
my heart is tired with the strain
tired from how much I care...

I know that he'll try again
it's just how his mind works
"We're not ready for each other yet."
but still, in his head I know it lurks.

He sits there, crying often
sad that he's not good enough
and to put it really bluntly
I'm sorry, kid, but tough.

The pros aren't worth the cons
he said it all himself in comments
"I'm selfish, manipulative, obsessive and more
but I have my moments."

Moments aren't enough!
I can't stand the rest of the hours
just for a moment of happiness
before the skies start up their showers.

Later on in life he thinks
maybe it'll happen then
little does he know it won't
But, I hate to break his heart again

I'm not sure if it's worth it all...
it's not worth trusting him to be there...
because so far, all I've found
is that it hurts too much to care...

Because no matter how much I give
despite the fun, the fluff...
because he won't see what I give,
and seems to think it just isn't good enough

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

last night

She jerks awake...
-...in the middle of the night, her soul twisting in agony as it hears another's cry. The scream of spiritual pain rips through her heart, and without her want, tears begin.The time is two in the morning...

Her phone buzzes...
-...again and again as text after text comes in. All of them are from one person, and she knows for sure who let out the howl of pain. Over and over he expresses how much he is hurting.

Tears fall from her eyes...
-...streaking down her cheeks to soak her pillow as she feels each tiny stab of pain building in her heart as she knew it had in his. But even as she felt it, she knew that half of the pain she should be feeling she shoved away, hiding it behind a wall that was so thick she rarely ever looked over. Behind it she always had hidden her pain... hiding her tears until she knew that it was safe to let them out.

She hides her anger...
-...that rises up at being woken up so early in the morning only for more drama, and heartbreak. Fury rises within her, and knowing that it is so early, with her family sleeping is the only reason she holds back the shouts she wants to scream.

Her eyes stare at the full moon...
-...*It makes everything so much...bigger..* thoughts run through her head, and slowly, as he finally says goodnight, she falls back into darkness...

She wakes with tears on her cheeks...
-...some dried and stiff, others fresh, falling down her cheeks. Her body is stiff as she moves, her sides sore from sobs, her eyes red from tears, lips swollen from holding back sound.

She gets up...
-...it doesn't matter what happened the night before. The cats must be fed. Chores must be done. Homework has to be finished...

Her phone buzzes...
-...before she even looks at it, she knows who it is. Anger and tears rise up again. 

She growls...
-...knowing that the instant she answers it will explode. But she does anyway, and as she knew it would, a fight breaks out between them. Shouted words over text are painful.

She calms...
-...after a time, her anger dwindling down to tears. She knows that he wants her help, that he simply needs love. But it so hard to love one who constantly lashes out. she loves him, but not the way he wants, and he continually wants her close and far...

Tears come again...
-...though she blinks them back. She forces them behind a wall of indifference. It hurts too much to care anymore.

But still they push...
-...from behind her eyes. She knows that they will continue to push forward until she pushes it all out.

Music plays...
-...in her ears, blasting heavy guitar and drums. But she barely notices. 

She takes...
-...a deep breath. *Let it go* her mind says, and slowly she can feel so much slip away. It may come back later, but for now she will be free...

She sighs...
-...and lets her fingers settle on the keyboard, leaving her phone alone, and slowly, begins to type...

See ya


I'm staring at the full moon
tears within my eyes.
The harsh indifference I put out
is naught but a disguise

It hides all the pain inside
that I'm unwilling to show.
It lets out the strength
that I want the world to know.

You think that I'm still mad
and well, honestly, you're right
But so very little of it 
is aimed at you so far tonight.

I broke your heart,
and I'll shoulder that blame
God knows for sure
it wasn't mine to maim.

I've little to think
even less to say
when you try to talk
to me all fucking day

I can't change
that which you feel
and it scares me
because I know that it's real

As much as it hurts
dammit, I know I'm to blame
Breaking hearts all the time,
God, it's such a shame.

I don't have anything
I can do
It's not my deal
to save you

You lost my trust
over a short time
and though you wanted it
I knew then you weren't mine.

Love is powerful
I know this well
But it's so harsh as well
as you can tell.

I don't know what
to say or do
It's not as it was
before with you.

I can't let myself be weak
as I could before
Under this full moon
I've completely closed that door.

I'd like to think
I'm invulnerable, yes
convince myself
my happiness is not less.

I learned how to let go
though it hurts so much
I hated myself
to hurt with such

unfeeling anger and 
so many harsh words
after so many, 
hugs and soft purrs

I don't know 
what else we can do
besides step forward
on towards something knew.

You didn't lose me
not in every way
but I'm not always around
to change things today.

Tears are quickly 
slipping down
eyes closing slowly...
guess I'll see ya around...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Rain

The rain does hide tears in your eyes
but there's something there hard to disguise
and avoided meeting of the gaze
as we go through the rainy haze.

Yesterday's event was as fun as ever
though we were totally separate, never together
I don't know just what was going through your head
but I know that pain was in every word that was said.

A challenge to fight, yet you're scared to harm
silly, I'm not glass, for all my bright charm
If you're trying to prove you're able to handle being here
It doesn't matter to me, whether you're far or near

I can handle myself, hide what bothers me
which right now, isn't much, besides you're depression, see
I wish I could help you push past this pain
but I'm not going back, I don't want to be there again.

Stay here, where we are, we're just friends now
though you'd like to be more, I'm staying here somehow
I know where I stand though you don't like it, I know
but those last words from both of use were mighty blows.

The rain may hide the tears in your eyes
but the pain in your movement is harder to disguise
you avoid my blue orbs, try to stay out of my gaze
as we walk along through this rainy haze.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Fallen Angel Take Two

Alone and helpless, there she sits
a fallen angel, among the grit.
Her wings are gone, her halo faded,
here on Earth, life became complicated.
She fell in love, a forbidden things,
and came to care, for a lower being
So she's banned from Heaven, cursed to fall;
she fell from the sky, answered gravity's call.
Waiting for her on the ground below,
stood her love, his eyes aglow.
Tears were streaming, down her cheeks
at her memories of Heaven, the angel weeped.
Her love pulled her close, and held her tight,
whispering softly, "It'll be alright."
She cried until her tears ran dry
silently asking one question : why?
Finally looking into his blue eyes
she found within the strength to rise.
Her heart filled with everlasting love
she remembered why she risked losing Heaven above.
What she had found was worth the pain,
she knew she wouldn't find it again.
A fallen angel banned forever
but she found someone who won't leave her ever.
She's cursed out of heave, destined to fall
but in the end, it was worth it all.

Friday, April 23, 2010

sometimes

Sometimes you find exactly what you were looking for even when you weren't actually looking.

Sometimes the thing you need the most seems unobtainable but all you really have to do is reach out for it.

Sometimes you think you know just where your life is heading but fate has other plans for you.

Sometimes you reflect back on your life and wish you could go back but then you realize the path you took lead you to your destiny.

Sometimes it feels so right you wonder if this is too good to be true but then you know its real when you see the truth in your lovers smile.

Sometimes you can't work our what makes you so damn special until you look at yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you.

note: not written by me.

She...

She feels helpless...
- ...everything just looks so hopeless. She stares around herself, watching the world go by. So few seem to care about anything but themselves, and  she knows that few will ever see anything the way she does.

She swallows back...
-...the lump in her throat continues to grow. She can sense how others feel, can feel it in her own heart. And to know just how much they cry in the night and wish for just that bit of love that may never come makes tears come and her voice choke.

She feels the tears...
-...behind her eyes, they linger, though they are hid so well behind a beautiful mask. But she's back where she was for so long. Tears, every day, but as they spill over now, she wipes them away.

She tells herself...
-...it's not her fault. She cannot control what others do. But her mind shoves it away. 'You could have done different than you did.' it screams at her, even as she sighs and says that she did what was supposed to happen.
She shudders...
-...her back arching out, wishing she had wings to fly away from it all. What better escape could there be from life besides flight? The shiver runs through her, from the tip of every hair down to the deepest layers of tissue. The shiver won't stop.

She wishes...
-...for so few things. Arms around her, a gentle kiss now and then, a sparring partner... a fast horse to help her run, and the love of her friends and family. But now, it seems as if so few people will be there for her. And those that are seem so far away. 

Her eyes harden...
-...maybe doing it all herself is all that can get her to where she wants to be. Maybe she really is all on her own.

Her shoulders shake...
-...tears finally take over, slipping down her cheeks with rapid intensity. Life passes by around her, it doesn't stop for her to stand back up. Life won't wait, its up to her.

She pushes back...
-...up to her feet, where she can strengthen herself. Her jaw is solid, her stance determined. She can do anything she wants to.

She continues...
-...Head down, she pushes forward, through a storm of feelings, thoughts, emotions. But the rain won't sstop her.

She believes...
-...someday, she'll find who she's looking for, find her escape, her happy ending. Someday, she'll be able to run, and never tire, to dream, and sing. Someday, she'll be able to lose herself in someone's eyes, to fall asleep in their arms, and to bare every piece of her soul without fear of rejection. Someday, she'll be able to lose herself in a daily dance, filled with joy. Someday...someday.

Not gonna miss out

It's hard sometimes to think about
how much I miss you so
because sometimes I ask why
and wonder if I really even know.

I could list off many reasons
of why I like hanging with you
even though I get this feeling
and don't always know what to do

But if somebody asked me
"Chica, what's up with this?
You've got this dreamy look in your eyes
and this smile of total bliss."

I'd have to answer with only four words
"Just thinkin of him."
And my girls would understand
why the lights in my head would go dim.

You never know what might happen
Gotta take chances as they come
sometimes you might make mistakes
but none isn't better than some.

I'm not gonna miss out on the moments
not when they happen so fast
because every kiss is another kiss
that could spark something that might last.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Voices of the Heart

Voices of the heart, 
voices of the mind
despite what's been said
I'm trying to be kind.

You cant take back the words
that flowed from your throat.
Screw it, I'm done, 
get back in your own boat.

I took you as a friend
hoping to help out
I got only tantrums, freakouts and shit
that's not what I'm about.

I don't put up with shit like that
not for very long
and I let in you far farther than most
but now, that trust is gone.

I can't stand this rollercoaster
I just gotta get off the ride
this up and down pattern is just too much
and that last straw was more than I could abide

I'm feel extremely sick
having unbuckled, and ready to jump
but tears do blur my vision
and in my throat there's a lump

I sit and stare at the computer screen
can you feel my pain?
Can you feel anything but your own sorrow?
Can you see it all drives us both insane?

Maybe, we'll reconnect again,
later on in life, another day
but just for now, I got to leave
I have to get away.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Someday

I'm staring at my computer screen
reading the conversation as it goes
I can't help but smile as I read
watching  how the words flow

Dammit, I miss you
but I've not a clue how to express
the deepest part of how much that means
because I know that it seems like less

I couldn't possibly explain,
how much you mean to me
I'm not certain at all
if you'd really be able to see.

I'm not the best at showing it
as goddamn independent as I am
I've been trying to open up some,
but I know I'm sometimes tighter than a clam.

Someday we'll just be able to run away
and forget about life for a while
I'll be able to lose myself in your eyes
and stare at your sweet smile.

We'll take a car, and a tank of gas
and just go out and drive.
To where or how long, I don't know
we'll have the time of our lives.

Someday, I'll be able to fall asleep
to that goddamn awesome guitar
But, for now, we'll do what we can
and hope that someday isn't too far...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Walking in the Rain

I'm walking through the rain again
so no one can see my tears
To know how much I put into this
if it fails, the thought just sears...

Burning through my brain
anger stirs within my heart
echoing the feeling from far away
red hot, tearing shit apart.

Fiery fury rips through me, 
the flames fed within my mind
to feel the hopelessness of others, 
makes me see red, makes me go blind

Fuck the tears I'm crying
it's not like anyone sees them fall
they feed on the disappointment, the anger
so deep it might as well be coal

Irrationality, fear, distrust
these are all things in my way
fear, distrust, these I can beat
but irrationally almost always stays

Blurry sight, it doesn't help
I just can't see the path
Its annoying to see sometimes
how much negativity can last

Fuck the dark clouds above me
I'm beyond anger, now I cry
collapse to my knees in the street
it won't go away with just one sigh

To know how much I put into it
to watch that energy flow away
It leaves me with little to think
and even less to say

Determined, rock solid
that's what I thought I was
but I know if I asked "why?"
the answer would be "just because."

Rock solid? Ha, what a joke...
I'm slim, and flighty, like wind
not solid and immovable like earth
I always allow room to bend.

Energy flowing around me
like the winds of a winter storm
I had shoved it all towards one thing
not usually my norm

So much determination, 
such a gale behind my wish
flowing forth only to be diverted
as I try to check off my list.

All was set in place,
all logic proven wrong or right
all that was left to be seen
was that final yes, to turn on light

Fuck it, it's not much use
when what I'm trying to move stands
so solidly against it all
damn, there goes what I had planned...

Fury flows through me
angry tears fall down my face
but this is it, I can see it now...
unless something helps, I'm in last place...

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Contract I've never signed...

I’ve got ice in my veins,
Tears in my eyes,
love in my heart,
and hate in my mind.
We never know
Just what we may find
So many times
When we forget to be kind
So many expectations
Thrown into my mind
Expectations of what I’ll do
Sitting there, on a contract I’ve never signed.