Thursday, February 25, 2010

Walk Away

 
I sit here staring at the screen,
The light, it hurts my eyes
But even as I sit here, thinking
I know that I will not cry.
I’m so confused right now
I don’t know what to say
I just know that it seems strained
Between you and me today
I don’t know what it was
That made things change
Because I didn’t really notice
This seems so very strange
It wasn’t until just today
When it really came to my attention
And I just don’t know anymore
If there’s anything I should mention
My own theories are rather basic
And I don’t know if they apply
I just know that it’s sad to think about
It’s sad to sit and wonder why
Why are you so distant?
You feel so far away
What is going through your head?
Is there something you don’t want to say?
Did I push you away
Without even really knowing it?
Did I send too many mixed messages
Or does the shoe just not fit?
We get along alright
And I’d like to think that I know
Just where we’re standing now
And where it is we might go
I’m just trying to figure out
What you think of me now
Because I feel as if we’ve lost
Something we had, somehow
You still give me hugs most days
And still talk to me, too
But recently, that’s gotten pushed aside
And I wonder: what did I do?
Is it just the schedules not matching up
Or is it something else?
Is it something unrelated?
Tell me so I can stop blaming myself
Looking back upon it now
I can watch it in my mind
The distance slowly growing
I can follow the signs.
What I can’t seem to see
Is when it all began
Was it when we got in that argument?
Or was it after that was buried in sand?
Was it when I said that I wanted
More than what we have?
Or was it before that even?
Perhaps I should be glad
I don’t know anymore
Just what should I think?
Because everything coming so quickly
I can barely stop to blink
I’m not going to sit and wait for you
To decide to make a move
So you better be quick on your feet, luv
And get into your groove
You aren’t without competition
There are others that I like
And if you don’t hurry up a bit
Well, I’m not going to wait for you to bite.
It matters more what you do
Not just what you say
And if you won’t go for it
I’m smart enough to walk away.



Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Thoughts

Sitting looking at things that I saved
Things that you said to me
Some of them cute and sweet and nice
all of them surrounding me.

"For the first time..." you said in one
that you were accepted as you are.
"I have fallen harder over this extremely strong teenage girl"
for a while i thought that was too far.

"Terrified to rush" I remember was next
a smile was across my face
because I knew out of everyone,
you were more likely to finish a race.

So much later, I remember it all
I remember the plans we had made.
I remember that New Years eve we had
and the joy that both of us gave.

That kiss was just so perfect,
that moment just so right
and I can tell you honestly, right now
I'll never forget that night.

But while I enjoyed it so friggin much
at the same time it scared me too
because I can't give the commitment it takes
to be in a relationship with anyone, not just you.

I remember when I realized that I hadn't talked to you for so long
I freaked out all friggin day.
stuck, with prior commitments to my girls
I waited on edge, trying to think of what to say.

I wasn't sure how you'd react
when I finally dialed the phone
I was scared to hear, not the words that you'd say
but what I might find in your tone.

But I guess we made it through that,
and we're past it all for now.
and despite the conflicts we've had
we're still good friends, say it loud!

And then the other day,
when I was just so low
you texted me, that wonderful text
and it just let me know

just exactly how much you do care
and it made my day seem so much better
a warmth within my heart I felt
and at least since then, I'm sure for now we're friends forever.

"Even now it still amazes me"
These words made my heart smile
because I know, if only for a bit,
I've made your life better for a while.

"I miss the late night chats"
"I miss you"
I was crying when I read these words
from sadness sure, but from happiness too.

The other day, we had a conversation
it was a bit awkward,
because of where it went,
and my mind still lingers on the question you sent.

"What do you want from me?"
You asked, and I just froze.
My head in my hands, I held back tears.
because I just didn't, still don't know.

I'm a walking contradiction,
and I know it very well
I'm a lover, I'm a fighter I'm all inbetween
I'm just a masterpeice named Belle.

What do I want from you?
I don't know everything that I want
I want  a friend, a playmate,
a person who cares, a confidant.

I want someone I can snuggle with
someone to be there
someone who I can talk to and hang with
somebody who will honestly care.

I want a good and honest friendship
that can flux and change around
because the way that I work,
I always am moving around.

I don't know exactly what I want
But I'll find out on the way.
so come with me, let's learn how to live
we'll learn a lot in one day.

Because my friend, thought I didn't see it before
I miss you when your gone
and when you're right there I want you to stay
because you and I get along.

I don't know where we might end up,
or what we might become
All I know is that right now,
I want to hang out with you some.

So come along, let's have some fun
You'll tackle me, I'll tickle you
So come along, luv, let's go play
we'll always have something fun to do.

Monday, February 22, 2010

The clearing


 
Sitting in the middle of class
I can't focus here
can barely even follow the lecture
wondering why my mind's not clear.

Wondering, what the fuck can I do
to show just how much I care?
wondering, thinking so hard
how can I show that I'm right there?

My mind isn't here in class
it's in a faraway place
not the meadow, not the beach
but a new place that's safe

One of peaceful thinking
a beautiful place to behold.
A small clearing in the forest
deep within the mountains folds

Tucked back against a small cliff,
a waterfall sprays down from above
pouring into a clear pool
showering down like love.

The pool, clear and cold
is perfect for a swim
the forest around it conceals it all
and I just want to jump in.

Boulders, perfect for sitting on,
surround the pool on two sides
a stream escapes between them,
and from above shines streams of sunlight.

To the clear side, is a small cleared area
filled with emerald green grass
and here, stands to beautiful creatures
a unicorn and a pegasus.

Within the pool, undines play,
in the air, sylphs twirl around
dryads come to play with my hair
it's all silent, yet there's sound.

A place of quiet thinking,
a place of peace and love
it's a new place to be in
to talk to all that's above.

Another Midnight Morning Ramble

Another midnight morning ramble
shocked at what I found.
jaw dropping as I stare at the text
unable to make a sound

Eyes hurt, staring at the light
but I don't really care
because I just made so many connections
god...what have I done there...

You did the same last night, you know
leaving me there to think.
My thoughts all racing, thousands of miles an hour
me terrified that I was gonna sink.

I didn't go to the computer,
I was just stuck in bed
staring at the ceiling
trying to remember all that was said

God...I'm such an idiot
a blind and stupid fool
Surrounded by my own stupid drama
pretending that I'm cool.

Such a stupid stupid blind fool
How did I end up here?
Surrounded by pea soup fog again
with not a soul even near.

Tears flowed last night again
as I thought of it all
So blind, so stupid, so unaware
of just how hard people fall.

I'm such a bitch at times,
and I wonder why I am
because everytime I don't realize it,
I just always get slammed.

Not physically but mentally
hit with a hard blow
and then I'm sitting there, shocked
feeling so damn dumb and low.

I didn't stay awake for long,
but in that short time, I thought
"fuck, reality check"
those are all I've got.

Less scare, less commited, less vulnerable
have I made you become like me?
So cautious of where I put my heart
tiptoeing to find where to be?

An hour it's been since I started to ramble
my thoughts racing so quick, so fast.
My heart pouding like the beat of a drum
as I remember into the past.

Fuck. I can't stop thinking now
how much did I hurt you then?
because I'm sitting here, pounding myself
because I did it, once again.

hurt someone who I care about
is that all I ever do?
Me, myeself, the wind, and I
fuckin hell, how much did it scare you?

No wonder I didn't see you that night
when I finally found the beach...
you weren't there, and it's cuz of me...
god, curse this stupid pain to teach.

Did I know how hard you fell for me?
Dammit, no I didn't, I'm such a bitch
but I think I may have an idea, now
though it's a bit late, god I'm such an ass, makes me twitch...

Got left alone last night
not only by you either...
one after another, I got left to think
and I wasn't at all feeling clever...

Just shock, running through my head,
as I lay there under the covers
Adrenaline, pumping through my brain
wondering how many bridge supports I severed.

You were so cold, so nonchalant,
so numb, and I wonder now
how hard was it for you to say those things?
though I'm glad you got them out anyhow...

It felt as if there was no emotion
behind half the words you said
you stated it, easy fact
as i lay there in my bed

Tears fell last night again
I didn't bother with wiping them away
I knew I'd wake up with more on my cheeks,
and I was right, they were there when I woke up today...

Dignity, hell, what is that?
I don't know anymore
I just realized how much pain I caused
by leaving open all these doors.

Stringing all these people along,
with "perhaps" and "maybe"s
Not just one person, no but at least five
dammit, why couldn't I see?

Well, fuck me sideways
my eyes are open now
I can see just what I've done
and I wonder if I can fix it somehow

But no, I don't think I can
fuck it, the damage is done...
will it ever be the same?
I wonder if it'll be better with me gone?

I'm so fuckin selfish though,
I don't know if I could bring myself to leave
I enjoy peoples' company so much
but I look more at what I need...

Human nature, sure whatever
fuck me, what can I do?
I don't know if there's anything
that I can do to help you...

Or anyone I've hurt,
for that matter god, it sucks.
i needed that reality check
more than several bucks.

So many mistakes that I've made,
so many people I've hurt
god, please, just leave me here
crying in the dirt.

Early in the morning, 
well, early enough
My shell is cracking, breaking apart
I'm really not so tough.

Damn...reality checks are so hard to take
I don't know how to take 
everything I've learned and 
use if for my own sake

What am I to you now?
do you still feel the same?
Or am I just the girl who left
and then came back again?

Fuck. don't know where I stand now
I can't see where I am
terrified to step one way or another
don't know where I can.

Thoughts racing through my head,
a thousand miles an hour
did I know how hard you fell?
no...I was busy looking at a flower...

Oblivious, god, is that all I am?
or can I be something more?
Fuckin reality checks, waking me up
dammit...where are all my doors?

Surrounded by pea soup fog, 
I don't know what to do.
fuck it...I'm rather lost here
and I've got a lot to lose....

Can't I find my way out of this maze?
or am I lost forever?
can't find the forest, the meadow, or the beach...
how many ties did I sever?

The meadow...can't find it anywhere
the forest...I'm chased away
the beach...I'd go there to be with you...
but I don't know if you're there anyways...

Sitting in the darkness, 
my wings torn and broken
halo crooked and dark
and not a word being spoken.

Dammit all, tears on my cheeks
I've nothing left of dignity
Freakin out and wanting to run
to get out of town, get to a different city...

I can't stop thinking, can't focuse now
I can't find my peace tonight.
All alone, stuck in the dark
where are the arms to hold me tight?

Lost, lonely, and confused
dammit, Im not the one that's used...
no...I'm the user, so blind and dumb
with nothing left to do but run...

Friday, February 19, 2010

Midnight Morning

Midnight morning ramblings

wishing I could sleep.

Wishing so much just for a hug

unwilling to make a peep.



Tears rolling down my face

soaking my pillow soft

it's been an hour already

and still my minds not aloft.



Thoughts rushing through my head,

too many to count

randomly, spasticly, can't stop it now

but still, I can't make a sound.



Txting one person,

trying to get to sleep

wanting so much, just for a bit

to be able to make that leap.



From being awake to dreamland

please, help me across

i just want some peace tonight

because right now I feel so lost.



As I respond to one txt,

another buzzes in

I finish the one, to look at the next

and tears start falling once again.



It takes me  half an hour

to be able to respond

but to respond to such beautiful words

always takes so long.



"Goddamn I miss you"

and then I send

glad to have someone there

glad to have such a close friend



And then I start to wonder again

is that how it's always going to be?

Me, myself, and the wind

with so many left behind, waiting for me?



As I lay there, I remember

the start of a song I helped to find

and over and over,

it plays through my mind



"Go ahead and jump

I'm right here to catch you

feel free to fall,

I'm nothing without you

you can always bet

on me to be your safety net."



Another text buzzes in,

and I read this last one slow

Because sleep is close, so close

though tears still come, I know.



"Do you wanna go,

where you can't be found?

I'm takin a trip,

I'm paradise bound..."



In my head the song continues to go

bringing my thoughts gently to a close

I didn't find my meadow dear

But I found another place that was rather near.



Silver sand and crashing waves

Haystack rock and dunes

crested surf and the mountains far

it's something I hope I never lose.



I didn't see you there last night

but I felt you there somehow

and even here, I'm wide awake

I can still feel you there now.



Thank you, my friend

for bringing me peace last night

for, though you were far away,

hugging me close and tight.



It helped a lot, my friend, my pal

I wish you had found it too...

because most of all, I don't miss the beach

I really just plainly miss you.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Me Myself and the Wind

I was thinking of something a friend said just yesterday...After barely talking to him at all for nearly a week, I was hanging out with my chicas, and couldn't stop thinking about him. When I got home, I called him, feeling horrid that I had neglected our friendship as I had. A week or so isn't a long time, I know, but it still isn't exactly...what friends should do.

When I tried to apologize...he wouldn't accept the apology. "Don't apologize for being yourself." he told me, saying that me coming and going as I did was part of who I was, and he liked me that way. It made me start thinking and I realized that I've done that with many people.

It matches up with being a Gemini even, flitting around like a nervous butterfly.I find myself often finding new people to hang out with, and then, after a while, I'll go and hang out with my older friends again, leaving my newer ones to blink and shake their heads in wondering why I disappeared...

I feel like a breeze. On a hot summer day, just a touch of coolness, teasing anyone out in the air. There and then gone, letting people wonder where I disappeared off to. Easily distracted by the eagle in the sky, or the bush over there just waiting to have its leaves rattled. Here and gone, and a bit later back again. Unpredictable at times, and predictable at others. Sometimes a warm, loving breeze, other times an angry gale...

The wind is one of the best things to represent me. I am not always there, and I can never always guarantee anything...I try, but I know that there's is much that I fall through on...and what breeze won't. It's hard to pin me down, me being part of the air. I can't be held in one spot if I don't wish to be. I won't stop for someone unless I feel like twirling around and being with them for that time.

Me, myself and the wind...nothing but a sylph. Unreliable, barely solid...so invisible...just a breeze. How much like my life this is...

Monday, February 1, 2010

Crush

I love the feelings that I feel
when I've your arms around me, so real
And when your arms are around me tight
I can only think of how I don't wanna be alone tonight.
To be held so wonderfully close
gives me a feeling I never want to lose
When you run a hand through my hair
I feel like I'm flying through the air
A gentle stroke of your fingers across my cheek
makes my knees go so wonderfully weak.
The caress of your lips upon mine own
gives me a shiver I so rarely have known.
When you run your hands down my waist
I feel like I should be wearing soft leather and lace.
Lying on your bed, legs entangled together
my head on your chest, I could lay here forever
But even with these feelings inside
I'm still fighting the urge to hide
How long will it take for you to ask, to make a move
because if you wait to long, I'm sorry, but you'll lose...