Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Blind, Deaf, Dumb and Numb

Blind, deaf, dumb, and numb,
These things are hard to overcome
Darkness, coldness, and loneliness
Sometimes these things are for the best
Pain, feel it rip your heart
Feel it tear your mind apart
Heart, shattered, broken, gone
In the end, neither has won
This blind pathway isn’t kind
As inside, hurt rips through your mind
It blinds the eyes, you cannot see
It makes you ask, “can it be?”
It deafens the ears, you can’t hear
No matter now, no one is near
It deadens the voice, can’t say a thing
No longer can the angels sing
It’s not your heart pulling you back
It’s the mind, wishing to stay out of the black
Your heart needs rest, time to repair
It needs sunshine, light, and good fresh air
The glass has dropped, it’s on the floor
It’s cracked and broken, whole no more.
Don’t hurt yourself trying to fix it
You’ll only cut your hands upon it
Let it go, step forward without fear
because though you can't see it, light is very near
To cure the blindness, open your eyes
with clear sight, you can see the blue skies
To cure the deafness, listen hard
you'll find voices behind the door, barred
To cure the dumbness, move your lips
you'll find your voice when the cold nips
To cure the numbness, stand stiff and still
feeling will come back, I know it will

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I'm not your warrior anymore

I’m not your warrior anymore

I’m sorry to have to say it

You’re not the angel I thought you were

And I’m tired of the bullshit

I’m not your warrior anymore

Though part of me wishes I was

It’s sad to be able to say it aloud

But I don’t agree with your cause.

Your manipulative style

Just isn’t my thing

And I feel like it’s time to move on

So let’s go on,

Move on with life

Because I’m already gone

I’m not your warrior anymore

But I’ll love you til the end.

I’ll see you sometimes in the future

Maybe our friendship will mend

I’m not your warrior anymore

Don’t apologize for what you did

I know you’re not really, you don’t regret it at all

You closed the door, shut the lid.

Don’t apologize to me

I know you’re pretending

You don’t really care that much

Don’t apologize to me

You don’t feel true regret yet

Don’t say sorry til you really mean such.

I’m not your warrior anymore

But I’ll love you til the end.

So hold on to yourself, love,

Maybe our friendship will mend.

All I want

I’m feeling so alone
So on my own and lonely
I’m tired of the bullshit
And I’m wishing I had my one, my only

All I’m really wanting
Is arms around me tight
So hold me tight, pull me close
And say you’ll stay with me tonight

Abandoned by one I love
Left behind for someone else
Just let me cry out my tears
While I put this friendship on a shelf

Memories won’t replace
The feelings that I knew
Pictures will never be the same
As being there with her too.

But since she’s gone,
I’ll just turn to others now
I’ll pull myself along,
And live my life alone somehow

So just give me what I’m wanting
Give me arms around me tight
Hold me tight and pull me close
And say you’ll stay with me tonight…

Grown apart, pushed away

Grown apart

Pushed away

There is nothing

Left to say

I’m sorry but

I’m moving on

It’s too late

I’m already gone

I love you dearly

I love you so

But this is wrong

I gotta say no

I’ll always be

Right here for you

Until the very end

I’ll always love you


I’ll always be a friend

Different paths

Different minds

I can’t help

But react in kind

I’m sorry but

I can’t support you

Not when you’re like this

I’m so sorry

But this is wrong

But that’s the fact you seem to miss

I tried holding

On so tight

I tried to keep you

By my side

It didn’t work,

You’re his now

And I’m gone

Pushed away somehow

You obviously

Don’t need me

Don’t say you do

When you can’t seem

To give me

The respect I need

Or hear any of

My quiet pleas.

Don’t try to hold me

You can’t stop this

It’s gonna happen anyways

Don’t try to stop me

From leaving now

I’m moving on today.

 I'm sorry, but I gotta go, love. It's too hard to keep this up. I watch from the sidelines and I can't help but cry, watching how you are walking towards a cliff, and I don't see you turning to look and see where you are stepping. I can't stand here and support this behavior. I can't watch while you abuse not only Taylor, but yourself. You consciously manipulate him to get what you want. That isn't right! You shouldn't have to do that. You don't just "persuade" him. You are twisting him into a tangle around your fingers.

It's sad to be able to say that this relationship with you is so similar to my mom's with dad and hannah. I mean, seriously! Only, unlike hannah, Taylor won't walk away to let you throw a hissy fit. And then, because I will, I'm the "bitch" and the "bad guy" and the one who "doesn't care". I can't take that from my best friend.

There is only so much beating I will take from you, and I'm done with it. I can't handle this disrespect anymore. You aren't giving me anything but negativity and hardship. I love you, but I don't accept this behavior from my friends. I don't know exactly what happened, but you aren't the Katy I thought you were. I've looked and searched all over, and all I have found out through cross checking and double cross checking with people that aren't even in contact, is that you've treated people I consider good friends like shit. Anytime I've brought a new person to hang out with, you freak out. So long as Derek was focused on you, you were happy with the attention, but frustrated because he didn't sem to leave you alone.

You assumed that he was resentful of Taylor, and well, he wasn't. I mean, yea, he didn't like the fact that you had a boyfriend, but he never did more than tell you that he cared about you. You think that you got the point across finally. No. You didn't! Because you never just told him to back off. You jsut waited it out. That doesn't get the point across. He backed off, because I told him that you weren't gonna do anything besides wait for him to stop. He did what any smart guy would do when they don't know what to do about a chick, and went to talk to her best friend.

You didn't get ANYTHING across to him besides that you were idiotically in love with a guy in your teenage years. I got him to back off for you, because I knew how much it bothered you, and I could see how much you were hurting him. And then, I managed to connect with him.

I don't think you really liked that idea. Suddenly, you weren't the only person he paid any attention to. That last friday, when Derek showed up to hang out for a bit, you weren't the center of attention. And fuckin hell, much as I love you, you're silly little bumpersticker and quote moves to pull me back into our little bubble when I was trying for once to include someone else in a covnersation was pretty low. And then the killjoy moves later...I know you were short on food, but those were pretty fuckin sad that you were pullin that type of thing.

I'm not trying to attack you here. I want you to know that. I just think that you're hitting pretty low below the belt, and I won't put with it anymore. So long as you're acting like such a manipulative bitch, I'm not going to be around you. I love you. But this isn't okay. I don't know if you've ever shown me the real you, but I do know that you aren't the same.

You've given up magic for Taylor, and I don't know why. If he can't accept you as you were, than he can't love you. If you have to manipulate him, and make him think you're some type of angel, then obviously you don't love him either. I know that if you read this, it'll hurt, and I get the feeling like you'll hate me for saying it, but somebody has to do it. And I'm the only one besides Taylor that you care about enough to react to. I'm sorry.

I love you.
I'm leaving.
If you call, I will do anything I can to help, whether that be giving you a place to stay, or a shoulder to cry on. But so long as you're acting as you are, I'm not okay with it, and I won't put up with it in my friends. I'm sorry.
good bye.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

So there's this guy

So right now there's this guy
he has the most amazing eyes
a sincere smile and an awesome voice
I try to keep my guard up, but its like I've no choice
His honesty draws me out of my shell
his guitar playing makes me want to yell
to let out a joyous shout, a happy sigh
it's like around him, I can't really hide.
My barriers fall and my guard goes down
but I feel like my feet never touch the ground
I can relax a bit, show who I am
because I know that he's no scam
It's hard though to like him so much
cuz the phone conversations just aren't enough.
It's harder because he's so far away
and I think of him every single day
I wish his arms were around me tight
he's almost always in my dreams at night
I'm not sure quite what I should do
I don't know if I'm ready to be with someone new
but I know that I'm ready to leave who I'm with
I just don't know what time and place is best...
But I'm sure something will shift, and it'll be soon
and that, lovey, will be a great boon.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Always Sisters, Forever Friends

Once we were the closest friends
tied together by the heart
but now, going on through life
it's like we're growing apart.

I guess it started a while back
before we noticed much
but it probably could be heard
be felt in every hug and touch.

Probably when you found him,
or maybe even before
maybe it started months ago
maybe even more

But it started, and I don't want
to leave "us" behind.
I can feel the distance though
as if the connection isn't there between our minds.

Not by blood, no,
we were born apart...
but I still believe in fate
and how it brought us together to be sisters by heart.

Always sisters, forever friends
that's what we promised, right?
So why is it, that while I try to hold true
I feel so pushed away tonight?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


For those moments you wish you could forget,
for those moments that you'll always regret,
for the tears that are within your eyes
for the anger that comes with all of their lies.

For the smeared mascara and every "no"
for every cup of tea after the words "I told you so"
For those nights in tears with no one to hold
for those moments of love that were all pure gold

For the fear that overcomes in everyone's life
for the moments of laughter, happiness and strife
For the thoughts of suicide, depression and woe
for all the fake smiles while feeling so low.

For the imaginative stories and happy times
for those nights when we thought we lost our minds
for the boyfriends and bestfriendsa around the world
for the times we said something that'd make straight hair curl.

FOr the days and nights of life itself
for the books I read up on a shelf
for everything in this life that we know
no matter what, together we'll go.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

It Can't Rain Forever

Loneliness creeps up inside
but still you feel like you want to hide
Despite potential lovers who
say they want only you.

No matter how they feel
Your heart, you won't let them steal.
Nothing serious, you promised yourself
As you pushed your love up upon a shelf.

But with so many possible loves
who knows what your heart does
pushed back there, in that dusty place
it's like you've fallen behind in love's race.

But stay on your path!
or face your heart's wrath
You're going down the right trail
So keep pushing on, despite the hail.

You can't get the good without the pain.
There isn't a rainbow without any rain.
So keep going, walking with this endeavor,
It's stormy now, but it can't rain forever.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


pulsing through my veins
causing so much pain
rolling in my mind
doing reacting all in kind.

leaving me to think
letting me just sink
keeping me alive
surrounding me like a hive

keeping me in the dark
keeping me searching for that mark
making me feel like failed
making me not want to tell my tale.

rushing though me so fast
Never ever
letting me think of anything but the past
Making me
feel as though my body is in a cast
like this breath is my last...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Don't Call Me Baby

To a certain someone...
Let's clear some things up:
1) I'm not your girlfriend
2) I'm not looking for a steady or serious relationship
3) You have no right to be jealous
4) I will not "go steady" with you
5) I will be dating other guys
6) I kissed you because I wanted to
7) You suck at making out...
8) Part of me wishes to do a favor for your next girlfriend and teach you how to kiss better
9) This does not mean I don't want to hang out, or be around you.
10) Technically, I am FUCKING JAILBATE!
-This means that you had better be fucking CAREFUL
-do NOT push the boundaries I set
11) I have no problem kicking your ass
12) I do not approve of drugs
13) Which therefore means that you aren't eligible as a boyfriend.
14) I do not want to lose you as a friend
15) You are not up to my standards of what I want in a guy.
16) If you want me, you better be willing to change some things.

Authors note: i'm being blunt here. I probably will only be so blunt on some of these things. I'd feel bad if I just told him that he sucks at making out. x.O seriously. Besides, he probably wouldn't believe me. Probably thinks he knows everything.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Forked paths

The fork in the road has been given to you
but only you can choose which one to take
I've laid out your choices, pointed to the doors
choose the one you think best for our sakes

Do you want to not have to work?
the one on the right is for that.
Or do you want me in you life?
then take the one on the left, give tit for tat.

You once said, whilst you were drunk
that you were sure it wouldn't have gone that way
if you had stayed with me,
it would've been differently.

Another time you said
that thoughts of me helped you through
and while I'm glad to inspire you,
you have to choose now, what you want to do.

Seven days, six nights,
that's all the time you have
Choose the choice you think best
the one that won't make you go mad...

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Confusion to Clarity

Swirling swirling
through my brain
circles, circles
driving me insane

Slower, slower
calming down
faster faster
along the ground

And then with
a sudden jerk
it all stops
no sound perks.

I understand
what I should do
But now I know
what I will say to you.

It's all clear
crystals shining bright
It's no longer blurry
filled with pinpoints of light

Clearness, freedom,
It's wonderful feeling
Tears of happiness go down my cheeks
and on the ground I'm kneeling

I finally figured it out
One more chance,
I'll give him that
But let him know that this one's the last.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The faeries told me

I see you sitting there
in the darkness of your room
tears slipping down your cheeks
in the darkness, they shine with the light of the moon.

I know you're scared baby
I know fear is holding you tight
But don't you dare let it rule your life
Don't, please don't, fear the light.

I wish that I was really there
I can't stand to watch like this
as you tear yourself apart, searching
for an answer that is in a dark abyss

Sometimes there's not an answer,
you just have to plod through
Please, my angel, don't cry
I can't stand to see tears on you.

I may be a devil, compared
to the angel inside of you
but I'm not all bad,
and I have feelings too.

Please, don't cry anymore
I'm here for you, but can't stand
to hear you're tears, the sobs,
I'm here beside you, to hold your hand

Look at me, only at me,
nowhere else should your eyes go
Listen to me, my voice alone
It'll be alright, the faeries told me so.

Quiet Sad, Contemplations. Take two.

It's funny how one can remember something so clearly
as if it only happened yesterday...
even if it was months ago,
It's like remembering to do something a certain way...

Even years ago, I can bring forth memories
ones that hurt, and ones that make me smile
If I wrote them down, it'd be some much
It'd probably run for miles.

But I can still feel, every feeling, every thought
I can remember each and every moment.
I can remember thinking someone should go to hell
and then sometimes that someone was heaven-sent.

The memories are good, and yet so bad
They are good and evil, black and white,
I know so much, and so little still
of why we humans hate and spite.

So content, and yet so sad, I remember everything
I know what I did, what I wish I had done
I know what I thought, and what I wanted
I remember watching the rising of the sun...

I love so much, and hate it too
I love and yet I fear the light...
I want nothing more than independence
and yet...I want someones arms around me at night...

Song of the hour: Fear of Light by Dax Johnson.

ranting about the

America's is going to shit.
I know that if someone random reads this,
They might be rather offended
But this is my blog, and we live if fuckin america
I can say whatever the fuck I want.
And America is going to shit.
With the way we're going, the government will have all control
Seriously guys!
America was built on the concept of freedom, equality, and all that jazz!
What the fuck are we doing here?
the way we're going, we're going to turn into a socialist country!
What. The. Fuck.
How are we going to be free, if we're letting someone turn us into a socialist country?
Mccain prolly woulda done the same...
but I think he might've been more subtle about it.
Good example,
Obama: throws a frog in the boiling water.
Mccain: turns up the water little by little.

I don't get this.
Why can't we get a president that we actually are able to have run a country well?

And here's the thing, people!
Have you ever seen how it all falls apart?
Unless you somehow manage to find a human being who cannot be corrupted,
(this isn't likely)
than socialism won't work.
You see, the leader gets corrupted, and then EVERYthing falls apart
NOTHING of freedom and democracy will survive.
We will have higher taxes,
and everyone will be on equal money standards.
that's fuckin retarded.
Some people are better at earning money.
Why should they have to pay enough that they are equal on the playing feild with those that aren't good at earning and saving money?
Sure, I would like more money.
That'd be great.
But once I get more money, I want it to me mine.
How do you like the thought of EVERYONE being poor?
Lets just move back to the Great Depression and live like that for the next century or so.
Fuck it.
I don't want to be giving up what I have
just so some drunk druggie can have free healthcare.
Seriously Fuckers.
Look at what our president is doing to this damn country.
I don't need sex.
I'm fucked over by the effin' President of the USA.
And so are all of you.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Is it too soon?

Thoughts are racing through my mind
There's so many answers I'm trying to find
So many questions inside of me
I feel so blind, but still try to see.

Is it too soon, to see him again?
Should I really, try to be friends?
Is it too soon, to be around him?
I can't see the answer, the lighting's too dim.

Thoughts racing, round and round
A little bit of silence, a little bit of sound
Music, movie, talking of friends,
Shall we be able to be together in the end?

I can't find the answers I just dont' know
But I hope it'll work, cuz I really wanna go
So I'll go, and hopefully, have fun as we play
if it doesn't work out, we'll try another day...

The rain hides my tears

Cold stone on my skin
as the rain came falling down
each drop felt like a icy touch
and my dress dragged along the ground

Tears fell from my eyes
ones that you would never see
and nothing protects me from the rain
no even the branches of a tree

Paper crumpled in my hand
and beside me on the bench, a rose, blood red
I wish that it were black
because I can still remember what you said.

It hurt, and felt like a knife to my heart
and I kinda wish you still were here.
But I know that it would've hurt worse
if you had done it face to face my dear.

But still, by note? I don't understand
why you had to choose that way?
was the rose, as red as blood,
supposed to take away the pain?

The rainfall hides the tears
that you will never see
But know this, as I crush the rose
You haven't broken me

Yes, I'm crying,
in the rain,
yes, I'm hurting,
my heart in pain,
my heart is breaking
It's true,
my body is aching,

But my inner fire,
is burning strong
I know inside
I did nothing wrong

Song of the hour: Rain by Dax Johnson

Saturday, September 26, 2009


I'm feeling so lonely
so lost and so confused.
I feel so out of place,
so stuck and so abused.

I sit beside my window,
and contemplate my life
where is it that I'm going wrong?
Where is the edge of the knife?

How do I cut these ropes that bind?
I can't find where my hands are tied,
but I feel so insecure and trapped,
and it feels like someone lied.

Tears gather in my eyes,
and they fall onto my jeans,
the night outside only deeps more
as I wonder what it all means.

They say that there's a path you walk,
but why can't I find mine?
Is it just because I'm young and naive?
Or am I just blind?

If I'm walking on some hidden path,
I feel like I'm tripping over my feet.
I feel like I can't get enough air,
like I've got nothing to eat.

Weaker and weaker,
slowing down so much
I feel as though I'm missing something
and there's nothing I can touch.

Lost, lost, and confused
lonely, out of place, abused
what can I do to stop my tears waterfall?
Or should I give up and just end it all?

Friday, September 25, 2009


Being single isn't what I thought it would be.
Maybe it just takes some time.
But I'm starting to feel that need,
the want to have someone that's mine.

I'm wishing that I had
that someone to be there
the boy I love, to hold my hand
to show me that he cares.

Being single seems over-rated
right now at this point in time
I need to be held close and tight
to have someone wishing to be mine.

When I see those two cuties
that couple on the street,
I turn away and hide my tears
not wanting our eyes to meet.

I know there's envy in my gaze
when I see a couple kissing
holding hands or talking together
I feel like there's something I'm missing.

Being single is a lonely thing. "One is the loneliest number..."
It's strange, I've never felt so lonely before...not in this way.
Maybe its from being with someone for so long.
A year and a half is a long time...18 months...
Tears fall from my eyes just thinking about how I had to move on from that.
I didn't want to let him go.
I never wanted to leave him behind...
I feel like part of my heart is still gone, like I never reclaimed it...
But then I pause and look again. I never really gave it away.
In order to do that, I would've had to trust, and I didn't.
That was part of the problem.
Regardless of what I had, it's not there now.
It never will be the same again.
We have to grow, to change, and we need time apart to do that.
But being alone is hard.
My friends have their partners
Molly and Solomon.
Ayana and Healing
Reine and Joe
Katy and Taylor
Marc and Lil
Debbie and Jeremy
Kirby and Jack
So many of my friends are taken.
And I know that this feeling of envy is something that I hide behind a mask.
I'm happy for them
I just wish I had that too.
Because I know that I did.
And I gave it up because it wasn't working.
The only people I know right now that are happy being single is Nolan and Jill...
And I doubt Nolan will be single forever
and Jill, well she's not even interested in guys.

I just want that someone who will hold me tight.
Who will kiss me gently and hold my hand.
The one who will push me up against a wall or their car and kiss me like they mean it.
The one who will dance with me, sing with me, and tell me that their mine, and I'm theirs.
Is that such a bad thing?

Nolan says it gets better
And I'm sure that it will...
but I miss being together with someone.

Song of the hour: A Moment in the Life by Dax Johnson

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Lonely dancer

Lonely dancer,
all alone
spinning round
no place to call home
Skirts a-twirl,
hair in knots
strong feet stepping
dirt on them in spots.

Lonely dancer
all alone
she spins and twirls
without a home.
Lithe body beautiful
blue eyes sharp,
her body flows,
to the music of a harp.

Her dance is her life
as she knows it
it keeps her alive, searching
for one thing, the home that fits.
For years now
she's been dancing away
no stopping, no pausing
no words did she say.

But finally, dripping sweat
she slows, she falls,
she collapses to the ground
she's given her all.
So young, so proud,
so beautiful she had been
searching for a home
and yet no one had seen.

The desperation in her smile
the tear in her eye,
the questions in her head
of "when, where, why?"
The girl who was thought
to never give up,
used her last strength,
she's not getting up.

The wall around her broke,
the dam floods with tears,
the sobs wrack her body,
and yet, no one hears.
Only a home,
thats what she wanted
but finally, the undauntable girl
was in the end, daunted.

Her smile is gone,
her dancing no more,
her skirts aren't twirling
she sees no open doors.
Her long hair is tangled,
her eyes filled with tears
she has to face
one of the greatest fears.

Nobody wants her,
nobody cares
nobody she knows
will ever be there.
Despair overwhelms her,
drags her to the ground
and she curls there, crying
without making a sound.

But after some time,
days nights, days later.
She pushes herself up,
"fine, you all are haters."
No tear in her eyes,
but no smile either.
she stands up straight,
her form couldn't be neater.

Again she starts
to pick up her feet,
to spin and to twirl,
and dance to the beat.
but this dance is different
it's a faster beat, a harder step
And after a moment, someone stops
watching her every leap.

Pushing onward,
she ignored him without a doubt.
continuing her angry dance
yet he followed her, without a pout.
Days passed,
and years did too
and he constantly whispered.
"I love you, I'll follow you."

For years she ignored him,
for a decade she did
ignored him, gave him the silent treatment
like a little kid
and then, he twirled into her dance
and caught her in his arms
spun her around, and swung her about
she fell into his charms

Lonely dancer
lonely no more
she's found there's a window
beside the locked door.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Moving Away

It's saddening to watch,
when friends move away.
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say.

I guess all that I can do,
is give hugs and say goodbye,
I'm holding my head high and strong
when all I really want to do is cry.

But I'll see you off
on your journey, however long
I'll watch you walk away
and listen as you write your life's song.

It's an uphill struggle for us all
and our physical paths are seperating.
But I want you to know, I love you
and I want you to know, I'll be waiting.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Left out, Lonely, Left Behind

Left out, lonely, left behind
these are feelings within my mind.
Abandoned, forgotten, torn apart,
these feelings rip inside my heart.

Tears pouring down my cheeks,
because no one can see whats underneath.
My tough outer shell, isn't tough at all,
my sure steps still allow me to fall.

Left out, lonely, and confused,
why is it that I feel so used?
Tearstains drying on my cheeks,
why do I always feel so weak?

Music playing in my ear,
I sing along, but do not hear.
I hear only the beat of my blinks
with each one breaks another link.

Left out, lonely, my cover blown,
why do I feel so alone?
Sobs and sniffles, wracked with pain,
will these emotions drive me insane?


I know you didn't want to look
at the ending of it all
But I just want you to know
I didn't want it to fall.

The pieces were all within my grasp
I was holding them together
but the glass was cracking and cutting my fingers
and I knew it wasn't forever.

Blood was dripping from my hands
by the time I let it drop
And once it hit the ground I know
the bubble had already popped

It was time to let it go
to stop holding on so hard.
It was time to let life flow
to play that last high card.

I'd seen it coming for some time
I just didn't want to know
I knew that it was on its way
but I didn't want to let it go.

I knew though, that it would fall apart
and I knew that it would hurt.
I didn't want to hurt his heart.
but I had to make myself heard.

When a relationship cracks and breaks
its useless to hold on tight
All one can do to be happy
is let go and head out into the night

It was the best breakup I've had,
and I thank him for that
I tap my heels, and bow down low
bat my eyes and tip my hat.

But now I'm moving along through life
just know I'll always have you
I'll keep him and you with my through time
you're on my heart, like a tatoo...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

You and Me

I figured out my feelings
(but have you figured out your own?)

I wish that you were here with me
(but you're still far away)

I feel like you're asking the wrong question
(but do you know that?)

I can't bring myself to open up
(but you haven't opened either)

I don't want to make the first move
(but I know that you won't)

I'm pretty good at hiding how I feel
(but I guess you must've been better)

I've tried to let you in
(but...I don't know how to help you up the ladder)

I wish that you could understand without words
(but I know I'll have to be blunt)

I don't want to hurt you
(but I'm pretty sure I will)

I'm scared
(and I think you may be too)

I don't want us to end
(but I'm terrified we won't last)

I'm hoping you understand my words
(but sometimes you jump to conclusions)

I don't want to wait
(but you're not back yet)

I want to trust you, to give you my heart
(but I need yours in return)

I can give mine to you
(but can you let go of yours??)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Lonely without you

I miss you so,

More than you could understand

My heart would jump

Under your hand.

My eyes aren’t sparkling

Without your touch

I miss you , I miss you

So very much.

Come back to me,

My love, my friend

Come hold my hand

Until the end

Come wrap your arms

Around me tight

And say you’ll stay

With me tonight.

My tears are falling

Lulling me to sleep

My silent sobs

Putting me down deep

I clutch the pillow

And wish it were you

Hoping that you’ll return

So very soon

My dancing steps

are hard to hold,

without your touch

I feel so cold

I can't warm up

no matter how I move

my steps are faltering

i can't start anew...

My heart trembles

Missing it’s beat

As I dance

The ground under my feet

Just say you love me

That’s all you can do

And I’ll just promise

I’m waiting for you…

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Night

Anger filling up his veins
adrenaline rushing through.
Words, plans, running through his brain.

he fingers the phone, but can't text you.

Teeth clenching, eyebrows furrowed.
struggling to hold back a fist.
How can he get himself out of the hole that's burrowed?
get himself out of the mist?

Maybe he can run away...
sneak out the back and flee
but what would happen, what would he say
to the brother he would leave?

Better to ask someone who's been there
someone who went through with that.
Texts you, asks for her
as on the sidelines you sat.

You worry and cry as he asks the question
"what would happen if I ran away?"
You desperately hope he won't have to learn that lesson
that he'll do just what she says.

"Don't run away, call the police,

tell them whats going on."
You bite your lip, but sigh in relief,
and listen to a different song.

After a while of convincing
and talking to him
he finally does it,
you could almost sing

it feels like they're going to save him.

But still, you're on the sidelines,
watching the trouble go by.

And you have to go home and wait for the right time
so you go and to sleep with a sigh.

You wake up the next morning,
if he got out of there.
only to find that they didn't do a thing
and he was still stuck with a man, a bear.

Another few moments of crying

as you knew you couldn't do something.
Who can save him? you just don't know

but it's heavy on your heart, a hard, hard blow.

You fall to your knees, and look to the sky

tears streaming down your face.
what else can you do besides pray and cry?
as he runs through this desperate race...

"Please God, Father, Holy Source,
give him bravery, courage and strength.

Give him the energy, to run this course
to keep on til the end of the last length.

"Goddess, Maiden, Mother and Crone,
send him compassion, love and my heart.
Let him not be left alone!

Send him support through this part.

"Spirits of Wind, Water, Earth and Fire,
help grant me this one desire
Lend him your strength, your energy, your flow

Let him know all he needs to know.

"Sylphs of the Wind, lighten his load,

give him the wings on his feet.
Lift him up, just above the ground,
for when the path gets steep.

"Undines of the Water, carry him along

like the current of the river deep
Solidify the waters he has to cross
let the surface carry the weight of his leaps.

"Golems of the Earth, lend him your power,

the patience of the mountains and rocks

Give him the strength to hold strong as he should,
to break through his mind's locks.

"Salamanders of Fire, burn a path at his feet

make it a little more smooth
Let your fires keep him moving along

let your gentle warmth flare at night to soothe.

"I thank you, God, Father, Holy One,

And Mother Goddess too.
Fire, Water, Wind and Earth,
all of the elements, thank you."

Biting your lip, you finally stand,
tears still on your face,
but you feel them disappear as you raise your hand

hoping he'll get through this terrifying race

There's nothing to do now, but wait and hope
that it'll all be okay

you hope that he'll make it through whats on his plate,
and that he'll stay completely safe...

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I don't know

I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say.
I feel as if I can't help
Like I'd just get in the way.
I hate to see them so scared
to see them so afraid
I hate to see them up so late
it cuts me like a blade.
I don't know how to help
or how to be there for them
I guess I don't know anything
not even the real problem
I hate this feeling inside
this mixture of emotions.
I hate to know that I just don't know
but that seems to happen a ton.
I guess, I'll just have to stick it out
to hold on for them, for me.
I guess I'll just hold on tight
and where it goes, we'll just have to see..

Sunday, August 2, 2009

staring down the barrel

You should be dead
for what you did
for taking away
such things from a kid.
You should be dead,
rotting in the ground
unable to speak,
or hear a sound.
You should be dead,
for killing them all
You should be tortured
in some random mall
A bullet should fly
through your heart
for tearing me
and my family apart.
And yet here we are
with the gun in my hands
My finger on the trigger,
it should be grand
but I can't make myself
pull that little lever.
Staring down the barrel,
I slowly say "never."
I cannot shoot you
kill you once shoot you twice
It'd make me no different.
and it's no different than a slice.
I'm staring down the barrel
of a .45
and then I turn, I walk away.
I'll just have to survive.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

If asked...

If asked why I love him
I would only smile,
and turn and walk away
to think of it for a while.

And when I returned,
I'd say that my heart
couldn't explain the reasons
of why I hope we never part.

I could say why I like him
and point out how I feel
But you could never understand
how love is so very real

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Where is my love?

Where is my love?
Where is my hope?
Where is my reason to live?
Where are the doves?
Where is the slope?
Where is my reason to give?

How far down
have I fallen now?
How far must I go?
How far now
have I flown?
How far? I must know!

Where are the arms i remember?
Those arms that held me tight.
Where are the people I miss so much,
where have they gone in the dark of night?

Where is my hope so happy?
Where is my love so true?
Where is my reason for living?
Where, oh, where, are you?

Trapped here, in this dark dark place,
I know nothing of what to do.
So tell me please, tell me now,
how do I find you?

Alone, helpless and ever enduring,
I cannot stop my pain.
I know not the time or place
that I will see you again.

So hold me in your heart love,
hold me there, stay true.
In the end I'll always come
I'll come right back to you.

Sometimes i feel so alone

Sometimes I feel so alone
like no one understands.
Its at these times that I find you
right by my side, holding my hand.
Fingers clasped tightly
you'll walk with me through life
You hold my hand amidst the pain
amidst the grief and strife.

Sometimes I feel so alone
helpless, and insecure
and then you call and check on me
and i am reassured
that I am not unloved,
I am held close
You hug me tight and hold me
and the love you hold I know.

Sometimes I feel so alone
so lost without you.
i'm that helpless tiny moth
you're the light that I'm drawn to.
And when you're here
I feel love and joy
I lose the shyness, that silly thing
i no longer need to be coy.

Sometimes I feel so alone
and then I realize
that always you are there for me
All I have to do is look into your eyes.
A grounding hug, and helping hand
you're here no matter what
whether I notice you or not
you'll stop the blow, the strike, the cut.

Sometimes I feel so alone
and then I remember you
so similar we are you know,
it's like we're one in two.
Whenever I think no one knows,
I know you'll understand
and if I really need you there,
you'll be there holding my hand.

Sometimes I feel so alone,
and so lost out at sea.
And then i see you standing there
and it's practically all I need.
You're the brother that michael wasn't,
your an angel guarding me close
Despite what others say or think
You'd help me out, this I know.

Sometimes I feel so alone
so unwanted so unloved
I get this thought that no one cares
that my problems will never be solved.
And then I see you all
standing behind me
and I know that through thick or thin
you'd all be there to help me be me.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

To those people

To My BFF Kaitlyn
You are my best friend, my sister, my other half. A soul mate doesn't have to be someone you're in love with. You're the one who understands me, no matter what, and accepts that I have issues, I'm not perfect and I never will be. You're one of the most caring people I know, and I know that you will stay that way. Thank you.
P.S. I love you

To My Friend, Jill,
Another sister, caring and kind, I can always say whats on my mind to you. You'll always be there for me, no matter what. I wish I was with you more often than I am. Thank you.
P.S. I love you

To my Boyfriend, Howard,
To be able to explain how much love I hold for you would make it a small amount indeed. All I can do is hope that you can see it in my smile, feel it in my touch, and know it from the sparkle in my eyes. What we have is what dreams are made of. Treasure it with me. I know that sometimes I am infuriating, and quite frankly, so are you. But that doesn't matter, because, if we love each other, than we can make it through anything. You are worth everything.
P.S. I love you

To My Ex, Avery,
There is more to say to you than I could put into such a small paragragh as I am putting here. Suffice to say that I know now that it would never work between us, no matter how much I love you or you love me. Cliche it may be, but if you really love me, you will let me go. You would not be happy with me. I would not be happy with you. I know this, and though my heart may skip a beat at the sight of you, it does not matter. I have to cut off contact in order to stay sane. And as wonderful a guy you may be, you still are the same arrogant, selfish, annoying bastard that I found inside that sweet, charming outside shell you put up. I'm sorry to say it, but goodbye.
P.S. I love you too, bastard.