Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I Can Stop The Pain

Don't look at me
I can feel your gaze
I can see you clearly,
even through the haze.
All I feel in pain,
All I know is wrong,
Everything I say
Turns into a song.
Don't turn away
Just don't look at me.
Hold me close and tight
The pain I feel doesn't have to be.
Don't close your eyes
I've never been filled with so much fear
I can't close my eyes
even though I'm blinded by tears.
I know I can stop the pain
it's not so much I guess.
If I will it all away,
I can get rid of this mess.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I don't give a fuck


It seems like everyone is trying to get to me
Everyone is out for the kill

I didn't think I was so worth pursuing...
and I'm not constant and still...

You're blowing all of your attention on me...
but your best shot will still miss
you're not interesting enough to get me closer
you don't put me in a state of bliss.
I can't believe you'd do what you did,

and yet I know it's true
and all I can really think to say

is just fuck you.

I don't want to talk to you
I don't want you in my life
I don't want to see you right now
I know all you'll cause is strife.
I don't need you're "support"
I don't need a counselor,

I just need you to leave me alone

Talk to you? What for?
You aren't who you think you are,

not to me at least.
I don't need you in my life
So you should just cease
.
Don't try to contact me,
cuz I don't give a damn
You'll try to send me down "I can't" road.
When I want to go down "I can"
Just leave me alone,
for a few years more

cuz right now, I think you suck
Just leave me alone,
don't talk to me
cuz right now,
I don't give a fuck.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

People are chemicals

I realized something, about this time last year. People are like chemicals. Some mix together well, creating something completely new and wonderful, others meet each other and explode. Some even take a little bit to blow of steam before exploding.

Those that react badly (i.e. exploding) are like those couples that have a strong physical attraction, so they hook up, and then find that they aren't compatible at all, and so they break up, often with an explosion of drama. It's like dropping Sodium (N) into water (H2O) and putting a lid on the bucket. It builds up power for a moment, and then BOOM! off flies the lid. This usually leaves both chemicals slightly different, and the same in the case of people. Both of the two come out a little scarred.

Those that react nicely (not exploding) are like the couples who get together and realize that they really get along well. Now if they break up, it's usually a quiet, "this will be better for both of us" deal, with no explosion. A few ruffled feathers maybe, but nothing really. It'd be like putting Sodium Chloride (NCl (tablesalt)) and water together. They mix fine, no explosion, and separate fine, the water able to be boiled away and recollected without any loss. People may be changed a little, but not for the worse, and they're never scarred.

It's a rather random thought, but interesting.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Another Dedicated to Becca

I loved you like a sister
(but you forgot that fact)
I used to think you were my friend
(But you forgot that too)
I changed a helluva lot
(But you changed in a different way)
You may think I lied
(But I only told you how I felt)
You may think I'm a backstabber
(But backstabbers don't say it to your face)
I know I could've picked a better time
(But I picked the best time of all)
I said what I needed to
(But I wish I hadn't had to)
I really miss you now
(But I could never tell you that)
I accept you as you are
(But you expect me to change)
I love you, despite what happened
(But I couldn't renew what we had)
I watch from a distance
(But I hope you never know)
We'll go our separate ways now
(And I only hope you'll learn and grow)
Goodbye forever, my ex-friend
(I wish I didn't have to say it.)

Monday, December 15, 2008

Prayer

To the Gods, the Goddess, God, or whatever-force-out-there-looks-out-for-all-of-us-puny-humans...

I don't know if you're watching me right now...I mean you have to watch the entire universe...but if you could just take a look at what I'm going through right now, it'd be nice. You see, I've been having these seizures, and I don't know why. I'd like to know why, but I don't, and well, I'm feeling really scared, a bit lonely, and rather singled out. I'm feeling pretty helpless here, or I wouldn't be bothering you. But I'd really like these to stop. I don't know how to stop them right now, and I'm really just sick and tired of having to stay home, and fearing that I'm going to have a seizure any minute. I know that it's really stressing me out, and my mom too. She's really rather sick of it too.

I don't know exactly how to deal with this, plus all my friend problems, and all my other crud in my life, so I'd really appreciate a little bit of help please. Ijust really don't know what to do, and you're really all I can think of at this point. Please stop them.

Thanks for listening, if nothing else...
Belle

Feeling so Blue...Fearing so Much

Feeling so alone sometimes
Loneliness
Wishing my friends were here
Wishfulness
Wanting so bad to be better again
Praying hard
And wanting fairy-tale magic to truly exist
Wishing so often
Wishing I could understand what God wants
Wondering
Asking "why?" so often i could cry
Asking for answers
Wanting to know why this is happening to me, and my family
Can't life just be without care?
Please please just let my body fix itself tonight
So once more I can just be happy.
Fearing even morethat it won't stop
hoping that it will
let me be, problems, let me be,
let the universe fix this ill

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Time to Move Along


So now it's said
and now it's known
can you get past
the seeds I've sown?
Can our friendship
be repaired?
I'm not sure,
after what I've shared
I'm sorry, really,
but I'm moving on
I've let the door close
and I'll soon be gone
I've chose the path
I thought was right
after all your crud
after all your lies.
I guess that we're done
it's time now, to move along

Monday, December 1, 2008

I'll Be There For You


I'll be there for you,
no matter what they say
I'll be there for you,
I'll do it all anyway.
I love you more than most I know
and I know that you're my sister dear.
So, listen to me,
and what I have to say, hear.

I love you as much as the earth and sky
and I miss you so much, Semone.
Even when I talk to you so much,

I know that most times, I'm gone.
But now, when support is needed,
I'm right down the road.
and with my strength to be beside you,
I'll help you take the load.
My Semone, my dearest sis.
You're the one I always miss.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Dedicated to Becca

It's rather funny when I look back on everything we've been through. You used to be one of my many rocks in the river of life. We were never the closest of friends or anything, but we had something, a common connection that kept us together. We had so much fun together, two on one basketball with Steven, or just hanging out together and talking and you convincing me to watch certain movies. x.O And I knew that that common bond was beginning to fade. It was obvious. You never called me, you never really talked about what was going on, you talked behind my back, made fun of me, and all sorts of little things like that.

I think it's sad. You were a really cool person. And then slowly, you started changing. And I can understand the phase your in, because I went through it. Not in the same way, but I went through it too. But I can't deal with it on top of the rest of my problems.

I almost didn't realize just how far this had gone until people pointed it out to me. Obviously, to me, you were going through some problems, granted that you multiplied them out of proportion, and I figured that if I really needed to know, if you really wanted me to help out, you'd tell me. God, I was so fucking blind. Jealousy really is a green eyed monster, and she's got you in her clutches. But that's not the problem.

Really, I don't give a damn about what you think. In fact, since you didn't say a thing to me, it matters even less. But I care about you, because you are another human being. And I can see the path your walking, and it's dark.

You don't worry about me, because I "yell and push people away". That was true. A long time ago. Now, I only push those away that I know won't help me. And sadly, you're one of those people. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Goodbye.

Farewell, adios, etc. It's time that I broke off this pathetic excuse for a friendship before either of us gets hurt. It was good times, chica. But I'm not hanging out with someone who thinks that the only way they can be happy is to be ahead of me, and the only way to do that is to put me down. You may get on top and be flying for a while girl, but what goes up has to fall. And you'll land hard.

In an even simpler way: You're a bitch, so get the fuck away from me. Bye Becca.

Beligerant
Ignorant
Tiny
Chicken
Hoe

Friday, November 28, 2008

Bitch Means

You think I'm a bitch. Well, I'm a damn good bitch. Do you know what Damn Good Bitch means?

Daring
Amazing
Money-making
Nice (relatively)
Goddess
Over-powering
Ornery
Diva
Bad-ass
Intelligent
Tough
Critical
Hella-sexy

Choosing


It's come to the point
where I have to choose
And it's rather hard
you see, I've got a lot to lose.
One path goes to freedom,
with a bit of possible fail,
but the other goes to certain-ness
an impenetrable jail.
Ditch one friend,
and keep the others
makes me wonder why
I should even bother.
She's a bitch
and not in a good way
often enough, around her,
I don't know what to say.
But I guess I'm going
to the freedom path
whether it causes war or not
in its afterpath.
I'll leave this one friend behind
at least she'll finally know my mind...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

UGH

So if anyone is wondering why I get so frustrated so easily recently, or seem "off" or "mad" or "upset" here's why.

One of my friends, (soon to be EX-friend) had been being a gigantic bitch who's a pain in the ass. And not only to me. If it were only to me, I'd be like "whatever" but she's being a bitch to my other friends too. She's really been like this for a few months, but I didn't notice because I didn't look for it. My other friends brought it up to me, and I was like "WUT THE FUCK?" and now I've been able to see everything. So, I've been really uptight, especially around her, and I realized that she never tells me anything anymore, and she makes fun of me behind my back with my other friends. (You'd think she'd realize that they'd tell me). She is jealous of anyone with a real relationship, ends up crushing on sooooooo many guys, and doesn't like my b/f because he's "too perfect". Wat the hell? She's jealous of me, for some reason, but still tries to hang out with me, when she can't avoid it. She never calls me, because i "Yell, and or get off the phone 2 seconds later" she never worries about me because I "yell and push people away" and she can't seem to be anything but a bitch around me.

It's to the point where I'm just going to leave her behind. I was never extremely close with her, but it was enough to be a friendship that was fun. I'm just gonna stop seeing her at all, in school or not, and I will not talk to her, etc. If she follows me at lunch, I'm just gonna say "Dude, you're a bitch, and I don't want to fuckin' be around you anymore. Take a hint, and then hike off a cliff." Or something like that. And then she'll go to one of my other friends and go "What the fuck's up with her?" and well, we'll see how it goes from there.

But I'm done with it all. I can't stand being around her anymore.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Goodbye



I'm watching you go down,
I'm watching you fall.
I'm seeing all of your mistakes
I know you didn't hear my call.
I can't help you through this
I can't go through it all again
I won't take the shit you throw at me
I won't stop you from giving in.
If you can't bring yourself to tell me
what the hell is going on
Then I don't know what to do
And I can't tell when you're gone.
I'm through with all your jealousy
and all of you fucking lies.
So pack up your bags and leave right now
I can't stand the sight before my eyes.
But now I can see
What I should've seen, before our friendship died.
I'm sorry, ex-friend, I've had enough.
This is it, this is goodbye.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

PISSED

I don't know why people seem to think that I'm a force to be controlled by them. There are few people I give that power to. And even then, it's only occasionally. But always, always, there is somebody there who seems to think that threatening me, or persuading me will make me give them all the power to my heart, body, mind and soul. It won't. Persuading me, well, that works to an extent. But it never gives complete control, and threatening? Come on people! Get a life and learn to control your own lives before you try to control mine!

Howard's father, Guy, is a good example of this. He's a narcissistic s.o.b. who can't seem to think of anything but what he wants. I can understand being the center of your own world, but he takes it too far. Farther than I can even deal with. And of course, he seems to like my company. This didn't bode well, not since I first met him.

Now, he's using the "Howard won't be able to go over there" threat...and it's PISSING ME OFF! I'm so fuckin close to just blowing up in his face and telling him just what I think of that. The only thing holding me back is that it would affect Howard. His dad wouldn't shut up about it if I did so. I don't want Howard to have to deal with the pressure of his dad trying to get him to dump me.

But either way, Guy isn't my parent, and has no right to tell me what to do. Personally, I find it a bit creepy that it's him and not Howard that asks if I can come over. He's over 50 O.o. and yet here he is trying to get me to do something I don't want to. Well, he can kiss my ass. Motherfucking SON OF A BITCH!

*rants*

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I've Run Out of Tears



I've no more tears
to waste on you
I don't care what you think
I don't care what you do
I've no more tears,
the well has run dry
and all because
of your stupid lies
I've run out of tears
and now I'm ending this strife
So go on, get out, leave
move on with your life.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Fuck you


Fuck you
Fuck this place
Fuck your plans
So fuckin' get out of my face.
To hell with what
you want to fuckin' do
I don't give a damn,
I've got feelings too.
I don't give a fuck
what you think
I just feel like
you're trying to make me sink
I'm trying to live
to find out who I am
and you just say what you want
Like you don't give a damn
So fuck your birthday
and fuck what you do
and you know what?
Fuckin' Fuck you.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Broken Love Songs


Broken Love Songs

We've got broken hearts and worn out songs
I've got broken wings, that have done no wrongs
I've sung a love song or two
and written one for all of you
brokenhearted girls
with tears and curls
and player guys
with heartbreaking lies
My songs are broken
their words unspoken
their music unplayed
and nothing gained.
So with broken hearts and my worn out songs
and my broken wings without any wrongs
my love song's writ, for all of you
It's only another of the billion or two.

Monday, October 20, 2008

He's My Drug


He's My Drug

I guess it's just the way he walks,
Or his well worn hat, and jeans
But every times he rides into the sunset
I know it's the best thing I've ever seen.
His dusty boots and dark brown hair
I wonder I show in his brown eyes.
Leather jacket, clinking spurs,
I wish I could cover up my sighs
He knows that I'm addicted,
A city girl to a country boy, instead of a city thug.
But what can I say? I've no excuse
Besides, he's my drug.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Nevermind


Nevermind

Nevermind that you're breaking her
Nevermind that she's hurt,
Nevermind she's crying
Nevermind that she's in the dirt.
Nevermind that she can't take it
Nevermind that you say you care
Nevermind that you 'love' her so
Nevermind that you say you're there.
So nevermind, no, nevermind
Just leave her there to die
Nevermind that you left her
Nevermind you can't admit a lie
No nevermind, nevermind
go on with you're night.
Go ahead...break her heart
Cuz you 'care' for her...Right?

Friday, October 10, 2008

Masks

Ever notice how so many people constantly wear a mask? It's a form of armor, of protection. It's a way for us to not get hurt by rejection, if we think that somebody may not like us. It is, in essence, armor. An act, yes, but armor nonetheless.

For instance, I know some people, who around certain people, are "angels". They never swear, never do anything "bad". And then, when they are alone with their friends, they say damn, shit and fuck every other word, smoke and/or drink, and are the typical image of a "bad influence". And then around someone else, they are in the middle...

It is amazing to watch how it all works. Even I do it. Around certain people, I am much different than around others. I can guarantee that around some people, I would think twice before saying "dang" while around others, I am fine with swearing often, even regularly.

I met a guy the other day, named James. I've seen him around for a while, and he's really shy. Many people I know who are shy, use it as a shield. I don't know if he does, but I know that I did once. I pretended to be shy so I didn't have to put myself out there.

James doesn't seem to do this. That makes me happy, because I hate watching people do that. I've been working on myself to not wear masks, and it kinda makes people freak every now and then. I don't try to hide who I am. I simply choose to be.

And that is what I wish all people would do at least once. Just simply to exist as they are. To not hide, to not fear, to not wish that they were understood. Just to be.

I am working to be like that all the time, but I know it will take years. If other people don't like me, so be it. If they don't like me, I don't think they are worth my time.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Loneliness

I find loneliness a rather interesting feeling. You can feel like you're all alone, even while surrounded by other people who love and care about you. You can feel like you're in a crowd, even if you are all alone. How does one define "loneliness"?

I often feel alone. Even when I am around my family, or even my closest sister-friends. I can feel alone, even when I'm with those I love the most. I can be wrapped in a hug, or even surrounded in a group hug, and still feel like I am the only one on this earth.

I know I confuse people with this. I bitch when there are people in the house, and then I bitch when the house is empty. I found that it's not that I want to be alone, I hate to be alone, I just want to be around different people. My brother tries to manage the house, Mom gets on my nerves because of our different personalities, and Miche takes up my space. Reine is no longer an issue, since she moved out. But I feel all alone when I'm around these people.

When I want to be alone, what I truly want is to be around people that acknowledge me, and will give me attention, but won't smother me with attention. Somewhere I can sit, read and be quiet, and yet still be able to be around people without them requiring that I get up and go do chores.

I think many people feel all alone in the world, like no one else can see through their rose tinted glasses. I can see how these people may turn bitter and start to hate the world just because they feel so all alone, like nobody cares. I know a few people that are somewhat like that. Or they simply turn to drugs and alcohol to "solve" their problems. Little do they know it doesn't really help at all...

It hurts to watch others throw away everything that they have. To not even realize how loved they really are, how much they could truly do. And yet, I can't do a thing to help them.

Loneliness is something that I wish did not exist, and yet, I know that it must. If it didn't, then many, including me, wouldn't learn the lessons they need to learn. A sad fact, but one I believe to be true.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Fear

Fear. One of the most base of emotions. But why is it that we feel fear, even if we don't feel happiness, or any other emotion. It's such and interesting fear. Many of my problems are based off of fear, when it comes right down to it.

Fear of getting hurt, fear of getting abandoned, fear of losing everyone I know. But an interesting one, is one that almost everybody has. Fear of Death. Why fear death? Our bodies die eventually, especially when we fill them with junk, fat and grease. If I knew how I was going to die, that might scare me, but the thought of death doesn't.

It's a natural thing. Things are born, they live, they die, and then they decay. I don't want to go through life, fearing to do anything just because I might die. If I die, then I die, and it was probably supposed to happen for some reason or other.

I've seen death, all around me, plants, animals, so why is it that so many people are scared of it? Is it a deep seated fear that their soul will go to hell? That there is nothing after this life? Get real people, and find some faith in whatever it is you believe.

I don' t fear dying. The thought of my body dying, is not disturbing to me, because I believe my soul will continue. What disturbs me is the thought of being soaked in chemicals so I don't rot, stuck underground in a casket, and slowly rotting throughout the centuries. Just cremate me and get it over with. And don't keep my ashes, that's gross. Throw them to the winds, over the ocean, or in the mountains.

Either way, I think I'll get the answer to that question eventually. Why is it that people fear death?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Predator or Prey?

Ever notice how different animals act differently as a whole? Not only because of species or some such, but because of their status on the food chain. For instance, look at deer. Cautious, constantly looking out for danger, watching all the time, freezing and then fleeing if it comes. Or a rabbit, freezing until it seems like it's been seen, and then running like a bullet from a gun. Compare that to the easy, slow, and lingering slink of a mountain lion, confident that none will attack it. Or that of a pack of wolves, running after animals bigger than three times their individual size.

Are you a prey or a predator?

Now, as humans, we technically don't have any animal that is above as on the food chain. We are the ultimate parasite, sucking the life from the earth, even though we could give her back all she needs. But, having nothing to fear, our minds create things to fear, and we prey on each other. Prey, we know as victims. Predators, more often, I've seen labeled as criminals, or bullies.

Now the prey, from what I've seen, often makes excuses, hides, and in an attempt to scare others off from noticing their fear, "puffs up" and makes themselves bigger. But predators, take advantage of the fear the the prey tries to hide, bullying and picking on them until they feel satisfied. Often even what most would consider the "predators" are just scared prey, trying to look big enough to scare others. And they succeed, for the most part. The other prey are scared of them.

But then there are those who, despite all of the "puffing up" and fluffing of fur of others, don't have to do so themselves. These are the real predators. But when these people are found, they don't treat other humans like prey, like so many. They are our protectors, saving us from ourselves and the world.

Take a moment, and look deep, deep inside yourself. Don't hide the truth from yourself. Are you one of the prey, or one of the predators.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Acceptance

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to accept what is considered "different"? For most people, from what I've seen in my life, different is anything that is out of the majority way of thinking. Why is being part of a minority such a bad thing? It's not like the "norm" is always the best way to go.

In my opinion, being "weird" and "different" from most people, either shows a desire for attention, (yes I have this :P) and/or a heightened confidence that many people don't have. A lot of people, especially kids in highschool, like me, don't have self confidence. They tag along with the majority, because the majority is what is "normal" and everybody wants to fit in. Even I want to "fit in". I know I'm different, every one is unique, after all. But why do people think that I'm "weird"?

Yes, I wear a tail to school, and out and about. I have no problem with being myself around complete strangers, my friends are loyal to me and they won't stab me in the back to get a step higher, and I'm beautiful and smart. But why is it so difficult to accept that it's just how I am? I have confidence. I like being the center of attention (sometimes). I prefer to stand out somewhat. It gets me attention (yea yea shutup) and it proves to myself that I am okay with being me. I don't care about proving myself to anyone else; what is there to prove? That I'm an "okay" person? That I "care" about people? What is it that they want from me? To conform to what the "norm" is?

Fuck that. I'll walk my own, solo path if I must before I decide to conform to what they think I should be.

I have people that love me for who I am. My family, my friends, my adopted family (thank you Marc), all of them accept me for me. But those other people who can't get over the whole fact of "OMG she's wearing a tail!" make me so mad sometimes. Some of those at school, (thank you Will, Grace, and others) are okay with it, even like it, or they just accept that it's me. But then there are those who make fun of me. I can take it, yea, but why can't they accept who I am? Why must I change to match their expectations?

There are many possiblities of why they might want this. 1) My self confidence makes them feel insufficient, and realize their own insecurity. 2) They're so used to the "majority rules" that anything not of the majority is "out" 3)They don't see the point.

Maybe it's none of these things. But what most people never see is that there is no majority. We are all different, unique, in our ways. There are those who try to act and talk, walk or sound like someone else, but they are still different. They think different, talk different, have different beliefs. Nobody is part of a "majority" or is "normal". There is always majorities on certain issues (i.e. Whether Bush is a sucky president or not) but those are specific points in an ocean of reality.

There isn't a "point" for me to wear a tail. I think it's cool, I like it. It's part of who I am, of my makeup of the world. I threw away my cool card years back, and I never tried to find it again. I am who I am, and nobody who's trying to fuck around with my life is going to make me change just so they are happy. I am me. I am a walking contradiction, and I often don't make sense, but no matter what happens, I am perfect.

No not by the definition of the word. But I am the perfect me. I am exactly who I am supposed to be. Nobody but me can change me. There's nobody else that is like me. I'm unique, good luck trying to find another Serryphae, who thinks like me and acts like me.

For all you that love me, thank you, for being accepting of me, my faults and all...

And for all you haterz, thank yout too, for making me see how being myself truly infuriates you to no end. I love how I'm made the center of your world.

I don't give a fuck if you're offended. Suck it up and deal with it, Princess!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What Life Is About...

Have you ever seen a chance, and then watched as it passed you by? Have you ever looked back and wished so hard that you would've just gotten up the guts and asked the question, or grabbed it while it was there? Or maybe you just never saw it, as you drowned in your misery. But either way, it comes down to one question: Have you ever let a chance pass you by?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It is what allows us to learn from our mistakes, to not have to run into a wall repeatedly, wondering why we can't go through it. But so many people, sadly, haven't learned to move past seeing what the mistake was, and to the lesson beyond it. They move through life, each mistake weighing them down with guilt and/or regret. It is a hard path to walk, but not a lonely one. Even I stray down it once in a while. But as I walk and sift through regret and disappointment, I've finally learned to see the lesson.

Some people live completely in the past. This disturbs me, although I was there once, too. Just wandering through the present, never looking ahead, barely looking at the now, and focused almost completely on what has been. Living in the future is just as dangerous. Although I have never done this myself, I know a few who have, and some who still do. They look forward , always worrying about what 'might' happen. It makes seeing what is happening a bit difficult, from what I've seen. As for living in the present, this is by far the healthiest way to live that I've seen. Plan for major happenings a while ahead, but live here, in the now. Use hindsight to learn from mistakes, but don't obsess over them, and above all, live. Live a life that you will be happy to look back on when you're old.

Life, after all, is not about finding yourself, as so many believe. Life if about creating yourself, making you who you are in the end.